Between the Scenes
by moon.cherry.twilite
Summary: The kind of insane situations and conversations do the Twilight characters get into when they're NOT busy being in fanfics. Mentions just about ALL usual pairings. Rated for language and other stuff. FINAL CHAPTER UP.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my parody story where I make sweeping generalisations about all the fanfics. None of it is targeted toward any one fanfic in particular…just normal fanfic clichés. And not just Twilight ones. I hope you like it!**

**--**

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING FAN FICS: _**HARRY POTTER, SHOPAHOLIC, GOSSIP GIRL, **_AND...OH YES, _**TWILIGHT.**_"

Edward, Bella, and Alice and a stream of the other random _Twilight_ characters that usually pop up in fanfics came bursting into the fanfic character waiting room, where characters received their 10 minute fanfic breaks and where they waited when they weren't needed for fanfictions. Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme were already waiting there, Rosalie was reading a magazine, Esme watching CNN, and Emmett throwing little bits of tissue at the house elves from _Harry Potter_(he had a thing against the people from _Harry Potter_)

"God, I thought that last fic would never end..."Edward sighed as he plopped down beside Emmett.

"Tell me about it. And I didn't even get to do very much!" Bella whined, sitting beside him.

"What was it this time? Another random OC story?" Alice guessed.

"Worse. A paradoxical Jacob/Edward story!!" Bella moaned. "God, teenagers and their gay-fics..."

"Haha, that sucks for you! I was the focus character in MY fic," Emmett teased.

"Really? That's a change. Usually the only time you get to be a main character is when you're forcing us to play Truth or Dare!" Bella snapped back.

"Hey! I've forced you all to play Truth or Dare too!" Alice pointed out.

"Haven't we all?" Edward asked.

"It sure seems like it. I can't get through a story without having to strip or something!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Well lucky _you_. No one ever wants to write about _me_," Rosalie muttered.

"That's not true, there are plenty of Rosalie stories!" Esme assured her.

"Yeah, but they're not nearly as popular as all the other ones. The only stories featuring me that DO get reviewed are the ones where I'm sulking around in the background while you people get to DO stuff!" Rosalie muttered, grimacing.

"People try to write stories where I'm the main focus...but no one ever reads _those_," Edward grumbled.

"Hey! There are a billion more Edward stories than Esme stories!" Esme argued, never betraying any real anger.

"But you're in _all_ stories that Carlisle is in," Edward sighed.

"Yeah, and I usually say two relevant things and then I'm just standing there," Esme said.

"Be glad people _like _you when you're in stories!" Jacob snapped, suddenly appearing. "Sure, I get put into stories, but I'm always the bad guy, and people always review to say 'I hate Jacob!'. And every now and then some nice kid will sympathize with me...and they get: 'Hey, great story...but Jacob still sucks! HAHAHA!'" Jacob folded his arms, leaning back in his chair and scowling.

"Well, to be honest, the only reason you're usually _in_ stories is to screw around with Bella," Edward pointed out.

"Exactly! Doesn't anyone ever consider how _I_ feel about this?" Jacob asked. There was a pause.

"No. You're the only antagonist we have. People need to hate you, or all the characters are loved. And what's the fun in a story where _all_ the characters are loved?" Alice replied.

"I am NOT an antagonist!! What's Victoria, then? Or James?!" Jacob grew fur and exploded into a wolf. A few shrieks erupted from the _Gossip Girl_ side.

"They're dead. And by God, if I have to hook up with _you_ one more time..." Edward began.

"Woof! Ruff...!" (Hey, I'm hotter than you, pretty boy!)

"You really are," Bella assured him. "No offense Edward."

"None taken. I need to exercise my unnaturally perfect self control right now anyway," Edward shrugged.

"Hey Alice, you wanna go to the pet store? All these fics starting today are about me buying a goldfish and/or a cat." Emmet said.

"Why not?" Alice said, "Hey, does anyone remember where I left my bag?"

"In your character's mailbox on that shelf in the hallway," Esme reminded, as they walked away, "Wow! This marks the third thing I've said in this fic so far!"

"Wow. You really _don't _do anything!" Rosalie realized.

"Hey, she's gotten to-" Edward interrupted, "No wait, you're right. She doesn't do anything.

"No! We've been in a couple of fics…" Carlisle appeared, holding a mug of coffee, labeled "I WILL NOT POLLUTE THE WORLD", which he quickly chucked into a plant as soon as Jess from _Shopaholic_ stopped glaring at him.

"Yeah, but one of those only pops up once every few months." Bella added.

"Who _hasn't_ written at least one about you, Bella?" Rosalie retorted. Bella paused, thinking.

"Huh...you know, I can't think of one single time when I'm not in the story! I haven't slept at all since the original book came out!" she cried.

"But what about those where you're a vampire?" Carlisle asked.

"Well the ones where we're all HUMAN are the MOST popular!" Edward insisted.

"There should be a story where _I'm _the Bella," Rosalie commented.

"I like Bella/Alice friendship ones," Bella said, edging away from Rosalie a little.

"Aw, thanks!" Alice walked towards them with Emmett behind her. "I like those too. It makes me feel good to be more than just the comic relief."

"_You_?" Emmett repeated. "_I'm_ the comic relief! You're just the psychic pixie!"

"_You're_ just there so Jasper has someone to pick on," Edward stated in Alice's defense.

"Yeah, you guys are always going at it aren't you?" Edward said, thinking about that, "Speaking of Jasper, where is he, anyway?"

"He's spending all his free time making this emo video diary thing…I think he's going to post it on You Tube."

"That's true," Rosalie nodded, turning a page of her magazine.

"Hey, how do you like all those Alice/Jasper stories?" Bella asked Alice.

"Oh, those are pretty good. Certainly different, even if they're kind of angsty," Alice said.

"Yeah. Almost as good as Rosalie/Emmett ones," Emmett laughed.

"There _are_ no Rosalie/Emmett stories! It's always about _Bella_ and a long lost cousin or something," Rosalie said.

"I'm right here, you know," Bella piped, "And just so you know, it's nice to actually spend time with people other than _myself_. And you should be _happy_ that there are so few Rosalie/Emmett stories! I'm half sick of screwing Edward! It's not even supposed to _happen_ until August and all these people have totally _ruined_ the authenticity!"

"Whoa! You guys actually...?"Alice made a gesture with her hands.

"Oh yeah. Plenty of times," Edward said, nodding.

"Haven't you all been in the rated M section before?" Bella asked.

"I don't make it there too often. I'm too _squeaky clean_!" Carlisle snapped sarcastically, as Rosalie snorted.

"Huh, that's funny. Jasper's there a ton!" Alice said. "Usually popping up to swear a lot but the weird part is that I'm hardly there…"

"For a guy who's _supposedly _a 107 year old virgin, Edward really get's a lot of play!" Emmett complained.

"I hate Bella/Edward fics," Rosalie declared suddenly. "I'm only there to glare at them while everyone's gushing over you guys or something. I thought that _I _was the pretty one!"

"Wow. It must suck to be the most hated Cullen," Esme said, shaking her head pityingly. "Hey, four lines!"

"Tell me about it. The only times I get any action in Bella/Edward stories is when I try to explain to Bella why I hate her so much," Rosalie recalled, "They say it's because she's a human, but really, it's because she's in _all_ the fanfics!! I've been sitting here the whole fucking morning!"

"Hey! I saw you at the house set at least twice last week," Carlisle insisted.

"Yeah, I am there...in the stories where I don't _die_," Rosalie grumbled.

"Well at least you get to do something cool like dying! I'm always begging to go shopping or arranging fluffy stuffed animals in neat little rows along a window sill!" Alice complained. "I mean, that _Claire_ female gets to do more than that and she's _two freakin years old_!!"

"And I go from one extreme to the other, being completely depressed and miserable that Edward's gone, to not thinking about him at all, because I'm too busy taking care of some new stepsister or whatever," Bella said.

"You know what story I like?" Carlisle asked. "I like that one where people can read about whether or not they're obsessed with us. It's really original."

"Oh yeah! I _love_ that thing, it cracks me up every time!" Emmett agreed, snorting with laughter as he spoke.

"Yeah, that one's great. Finally there's a fic where we're not even needed! It's more of a list, actually. Man, there's nothing I hate more than having to work all night just because we don't need sleep." Edward said.

"You'd think you'd be used to it by now. I mean, ninety percent of the _Twilight_ section has to be made up of Bella/Edwards," Rosalie sighed. "While I'm off being dead...or with Emmett...or moved away...or on drugs...-no wait. That's something else…"

"I like the stories with vampire animals in them!" Alice proclaimed.

"Like this goldfish is about to be?" Emmett asked, holding up the plastic bag containing a 25 cent fish that they'd bought at the pet store earlier in this fic.

"Yeah! They're always really random. I love random stories, I'm SO funny in those!" Carlisle laughed.

"You know what stories I _hate_ the most?" Bella asked.

"The ones where you're adopted?" Edward guessed.

"Well, yeah. But especially the ones where we have _babies_!" Bella cried. Everyone groaned.

"Oh God, I can't _stand_ babies," Emmett agreed.

"SEE?! Everyone _hates_ me so much that they're out to get the ONE thing that I've always wanted!" Rosalie shrieked, "Not only do they kill me, but they also have to abuse poor, sweet little babies by giving them to you!!"

"Especially that stupid ones where I'm pregnant! That's TORTURE!" Bella said. Everyone groaned even louder.

"Whoever thought of that first should be forbidden to write here any more. I simply don't believe that those without maternal qualities should be parents!" Esme said, and the others all nodded in agreement.

"Why can't there be a story where Esme and I take care of one together, instead of these…M SECTION FETISHISTS!?" Rosalie demanded.

"Hey, that's a pretty good idea…"Esme said, "…YES! SIX!"

"It's like they don't even know that vampires can't reproduce!" Alice said, "Then again, they do make us human…Ooh, only a minute left till they start calling for _Gossip Girl_ stories."

"And all our ages are so fucking inconsistent," Edward said. "We go from being teenagers in high school, to twenty-five year olds, to parents of triplets, all in the same day!"

"It's _way_ too much for a group of people who supposedly can't age to handle," Carlisle added.

"Thirty seconds…they'll call us last, though," Alice revealed.

"Hey, does anyone remember how many times I've had a long lost relative turn up in the last month? I'm taking a poll over here…" Bella started to say.

"Fifteen seconds."

"I lost count at about seventeen-"

"Ten."

"There was that one from Texas…or maybe it was Canada…?"

"You know both places are really far away, don't you, Bella?"

"One-"

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS: TEN MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY FOR THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED. _**GOSSIP GIRL:**_ _SERENA AND NATE'S WEDDING__, CHAPTER FOUR. _CHARACTERS NEEDED: Nate, Serena, AND Blair. SUMMARY: NATE AND SERENA DECIDE TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THEIR WEDDING, WHILE BLAIR IS FORCED TO STAY SINGLE.

The _Twilight_ gang shuffled to the side as Serena and Nate walked by looking giddy, Blair storming behind them, pouting and miserable.

"I kind of feel bad for her. Nate is a total man bitch for always running off with Serena, even though he probably loves Blair too!" Bella said, raising an eyebrow.

"And I'm sure that nothing of the sort has ever happened to you…" Rosalie said, rolling her eyes.

The announcer went on and on; listing several more stories The _Shopaholic_ group was called out for two stories, trying hard not to stare at the Cullen's designer clothes. Finally, the _Harry Potter_ group was called out for a broomstick race (Emmett stuck his tongue out at them as they walked by).

"_**TWILIGHT:**_. NEW STORY: _PET PEEVES._ CHARACTERS NEEDED FOR CHAPTER ONE: EMMETT, ALICE, BELLA, EDWARD, AND JASPER. SUMMARY: EMMETT BUYS A PET CAT AND A GOLDFISH…ONLY TO REALIZE HE NEEDS SOME HELP TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. MEANWHILE, AN ORPHANED GIRL FROM FRANCE TURNS UP AT BELLA'S DOORSTEP WITH AN AMAZING CLAIM. ALL HUMAN." The group all grimaced, frowning at each other.

"Who's stupid idea was _that_?" Alice groaned.

"I _knew_ we'd need the animals!" Emmett stated.

"I _hate_ being human-ified. I feel so _vulnerable_!" Edward scoffed.

"Ooh, is the kid going to be my daughter, cousin, or sister? Who wants to take a bet?" Bella proposed.

"None of the above. She's your god-daughter," Alice retorted.

**A/N: PLEEEEASE review! I don't know if I'll continue this though. But if you like it I will. If I do continue, I'll put all the other characters in it And by the way...I just put my other story in here for fun...no marketing motives.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue this story or not, but I finally decided to! WARNING: it might get very random.**

**So, I hope you like this one just as much!**

Rosalie and Leah Clearwater were sitting as far away as possible from each other, pretending they were not from the same book. They were both flipping through their individual copies of Fan Opinions magazine, grimacing. They turned to look at the clock, sighing simultaneously.

"Is it almost ten-minute break?" Rosalie grumbled, "I've been sitting here the whole DAY."

"I dunno. I can never remember when those things happen," Leah shrugged.

They were the only people in the room, other than Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter who was burning ants with a magnifying glass under the snack table.

"I couldn't believe that everybody got to be in a story except us until I read this!" Rosalie hissed, clutching the magazine in a death grip, "Ever since these fucking character opinion polls came out, nobody wants to write about us! Can you believe that I'm the most hated Cullen?! They say I'm…bitter! As if."

She snarled and ripped up the magazine into little shreds, using her teeth. Leah took no notice.

"Come on! Everyone voted me as 'the least pleasant wolf'!" she scoffed, incredulously, "I'm not unpleasant! I'm just as pleasant as they are! I've got fucking pleasantness coming out the shit hole!"

"That you do…" Rosalie said, while spitting out scraps of paper, "Either way, we're still the least popular characters. According to that poll, Bree, Claire, and even…JACOB are more loved! I think…"she began diplomatically, "that as the two most hated main characters here, we should DO something."

"Me too!" Leah declared. There was an awkward silence, "…Are you as creeped out as I am?"

"More."

Just as they ran out the back door of the room, Lauren and Jessica burst inside.

"Why does _Bella_ get to be in two stories while _we're_ in none?" Jessica demanded.

"Oh, when will you learn? It is physically impossible for someone to write a story that does not feature _Bella_!" Lauren snapped sarcastically. Jessica sighed.

"I'm just as cute as _Bella_..." she grumbled.

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS: TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING STORIES: **_HARRY POTTER, GOSSIP GIRL, ERAGON, AND TWILIGHT._**"

A stream of characters came in one huge noisy clump through the double doors, all of them yelling "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT…" at the top of their voices.

"Oh, come on Dobby! Bring it on!" Emmett shouted. He had bothered the _Harry Potter_ characters to the point where Dobby had challenged him to an intense arm wrestling match, in Harry's honor. Dobby hissed at Emmett as he tried to force his hand down on the table, using some invisible force, while all the other characters gathered around excitedly to watch.

Carlisle frowned.

"_Eragon_?" he repeated. "Since when are they in this room?"

"Since _Shopaholic _was kicked out last week. Didn't you get the memo?" Esme asked, "All I heard was something involving Becky, Blair, Alice and a bottle of ketchup."

"I can't believe I just endured another day of a fic where another guy falls for Bella!" Edward groaned, as he sat down.

"It's not my fault that other teen girls think that I'd be a good subject for romance!" Bella retorted, not so happy herself.

"You're too desirable for your own good…" Edward mumbled.

"I feel like we may have had this conversation before…" Bella mused.

"Just be glad you're _in _stories, sweetheart," Esme scoffed.

"Yeah, instead of sitting here watching Emmett arm wrestle elves..." Alice added.

"DAMMIT! I want a re-match!" Emmett shouted, as Dobby forced his hand down.

"I didn't bet on Emmett for a reason," Alice stated, satisfied, as a line of Harry Potter characters slapped gold onto her palm.

"There's something familiar about that dead boy from _Harry Potter_. I just can't place my finger on it," Edward commented as he watched Cedric Diggory hand Alice a bag of money.

"I know what you mean," Jacob agreed, holding a bag of chips he'd heisted from the snack table. "That kid from Cheaper by the Dozen 2 has been driving me _insane_."

"Excuse me, does _this_ belong to you?" The group all looked up to see Voldemort holding Emmett by the collar and looking pissed off. The Cullens all exchanged embarrassed glances.

"...no. He's with _Eragon_," Jacob replied. Emmett frowned.

"Hey! Guys! That's not fair! GUYS!" Emmett cried, as Voldemort dragged him off towards the _Eragon_ corner.

"_Great_ Jacob, now we have no comic relief!" Edward snapped.

"Oh shit..."Jacob muttered sarcastically.

"Oh! I wanna be the comic relief!" Alice volunteered.

"You're a fortune teller for crying out loud, you can't be the comic relief!" Edward said "I think _I_ should. After all, everyone loves to make virgin jokes when I'm around."

"But you're always a central character," Esme pointed out.

"Yeah. And it's not like anyone even believes the virgin stuff now, anyway," Jacob said, ripping the bag of chips open.

"So it's settled. _I'll _be the comic relief!" Carlisle said with a grin.

"You already _are _in most fics. Some people find you pretty gay," Edward stated, "…No offense." Carlisle frowned.

"Well people think _you're _gay too. A lot of fangirls think it's hilarious to pair you with Jacob," he retorted.

Jacob choked on a chip.

"Hey, what about Jasper?" Bella suggested, "Everyone thinks his emo-ness is hilarious."

"Yeah. We don't need Emmett!" Alice declared.

"Hey, I heard you guys got a story last night," Jacob said to Esme and Carlisle.

"Yeah! It was a whole _one-shot_!" Carlisle replied sarcastically.

"And it consisted of them kissing and giggling and acting like complete asses!" Edward added, also in mock perkiness. Everyone stared at him, "What? A lot of authors tend to forget that I can read minds, and now my family is too?!"

"And it was rated _K+_!" Esme cried, unable to keep the annoyance from her voice.

"Wow. You guys really need to make it to the M section." Bella commented.

"Seriously. You'd be _amazed _at what goes on there." Jacob agreed.

"If only kids over the age of 11 wanted to write about us." Esme sighed.

"It just doesn't seem fair that _we_ have to be all cuddly and cute, while Bella and Edward are off fucking like rabbits in the M section!" Carlisle whined. Edward gasped, and covered his ears.

"Aw, don't worry. I'm sure it's not _that_ great," Alice said comfortingly, giving Edward a weird look.

"Are you kidding me? It's amazing!" Bella cried, enthusiastically Alice frowned.

"You're not helping," she snapped.

"Could we please move on from this subject?" Esme asked. "I have nothing to contribute. Not that I'd say much even if I _did_..."

Suddenly Jane came storming over, looking annoyed.

"Excuse me, do you think you could keep your language _down _over here? Some us are _trying _to read!" she snapped, waving a book in Bella's face. Bella patted her shoulder, warily

"We'll do what we can," she assured him. Jane huffed and stormed back over to the Volturi table in the room.

"I don't see why we have to share a room with all these other characters. I mean, we're good enough to have our own section, why don't we get our own room?" Alice asked.

"Well this is an improvement on the last room. Remember when we used to be in the General room, with _all_ the other unknown books?" Jacob recalled.

"Oh yeah! That was before Twilight became a worldwide best selling phenomenon!" Carlisle remembered.

"At least then, there was no New Moon. No Volturi," Bella added.

"And no Bella/Jacobs…" Edward muttered.

Suddenly a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS: TEN-MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY FOR THE FOLLOWING LIST OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED: **_ERAGON._** STORY: _A LITTLE VAMPIRE._ SUMMARY: _ERAGON AND RORAN COME ACROSS A VAMPIRE ON THEIR WAY TO THE MARKET._ CHARACTERS NEEDED: ERAGON, RORAN, AND EMMETT. WAIT..._WHAT_? EMMETT? EMMETT ISN'T FROM _ERAGON_!"

The Twilight gang had to stifle their laughter as Emmett was dragged off into the _Eragon _story. The voice came back, sounding annoyed.

"WOULD THE CHARACTERS OF _Twilight_ **PLEASE **KEEP EMMETT IN THEIR _OWN _STORIES AND **NOT **GIVE HIM AWAY AGAIN!"

"Sorry!" the Twilight cast all chimed in unison. The voice kept going, listing all the others stories until the room was empty, save for the Twilight characters.

"**_TWILIGHT_.** NO NEW STORIES. NO UPDATES. SUCKS TO BE YOU."

The Twilight crew all sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to process what had just happened.

There were a few quivers from the wolves' table, before Paul, Sam, and Embry exploded and grew fur. Felix slammed his fist on the Volturi table, while Caius threw a pack of cards across the room.

"Is that _possible_?" Bella finally asked.

"Apparently," Jacob commented.

"How can there be NO new Twilight stories? People love Twilight!" Alice cried.

"There must be an epidemic of writer's block," Esme concluded.

There was another awkward silence.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should never stop writing Twilight-fics.

Will Leah and Rosalie ever come back to the fan fic room? Will Jacob ever realize that he shouldn't be sitting with the Cullens? Will the Eragon people ever return Emmett? Will Jasper ever finish his emo-video diary?

**A/N: This might sound weird, but I'm kind of low on ideas, for how to continue. PLEASE PM if you have any ideas, or would like to help me with this. I'll totally credit you. thanks!**

**and, review please. your opinion matters.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Yay!! I'm back! Thanks for the reviews. Just so you know, I'll be updating the You Know You're Obsessed with Twilight list soon too. **

**Anyway, the poll result said 'all of the above' had the most votes. This chapter is less funny (in my opinion) but there's some plot development. I will write more hopefully soon, but I don't want it to become TOO developed...it is called Between the Scenes. But you never know. I like doing this story.**

Esme and Bella sat eyeing the door of the Ten-Minute Break room carefully, each with a fierce glare plastered on their face.

"They've been in there a long time," Esme commented.

"Tell me about it," Bella agreed, crossing her arms, eyes not leaving the door. Aro, who was yet again left out of any and all stories, frowned at his two glaring enemies.

"What's the matter with you two?" he asked.

"We got another Edward/Carlisle this morning," Esme replied.

"The authors have gotten a little too strange for our liking," Esme added.

"I would imagine," Aro said, nodding. "Well it's not like it means anything, right? I mean, they're just stories."

"Yeah. Just stories where they happen to be hugging," Bella snapped.

"And kissing."

"And holding hands."

"And fondling each other!"

"And making out!"

"And doing God-knows-what else with MY husband!"

"What about MY fiancé?!"

"Hm." Aro poked Bella with his finger and gasped, "Still human?" He walked away shaking his head.

"Forget Alice. He's the one who needs to go to the loony bin."

"ATTENTION! TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING STORIES_: HARRY POTTER, ERAGON, GOSSIP GIRL, _and **_TWILIGHT_**."

Esme and Bella both leapt up as the door opened and all the characters from_ Harry Potter, Eragon, Gossip Girl, _and Twilight came waltzing out, followed by Emmett and Alice. Esme and Bella exchanged nervous glances.

"Hey guys!" Alice greeted enthusiastically.

"Where are Carlisle and Edward?!" Esme and Bella demanded.

"Well gee, it's nice to see you too," Alice huffed.

"They've been obsessing over this all morning," Aro called from the Volturi table.

"Too bad we missed that," Emmett said sarcastically, sitting at the small table under the **TWILIGHT **sign indicating their section of the room.

Then Edward and Carlisle came out the door, brushing themselves frantically, with disturbed expressions on their faces.

"What took you?" Bella demanded immediately.

"Yeah _honey_, where've you been?" Esme asked, leaning in close to Carlisle's face.

"There was an epilogue," Carlisle replied carefully.

"That was one heck of a story, huh?" Edward commented with a grimace. Carlisle cringed.

"It sure was," he agreed. "We've got to find out where Jasper goes during these breaks."

"I swear. If he makes us feel in love again…," Edward gritted his teeth, while Bella and Esme breathed sighs of relief.

"I _missed _you, Edward," Bella insisted, trying to bring Edward's attention back to her.

"Screw over-reacting," Carlisle declared.

"Amen to that," Emmett replied, as he and Carlisle exchanged a high-five.

Suddenly a little boy on a broom came whizzing by over their heads, nearly knocking a banana out of Emmett's hand.

"Hey! Watch it!" he screeched.

"Was that...Harry Potter?" Bella asked, frowning. Carlisle sighed.

"Unfortunately," he replied.

"What's he doing in our section? Just because he's in the same room? Who does he think he is, anyway?" Edward demanded.

"People have been writing Twilight/Harry Potter Crossovers lately," Alice explained.

"You know, it wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a fucking little diva," Emmett snapped viciously. "He thinks he's better than us because he's sold millions of copies all over the world. Well, Harry Potter, PEOPLE LOVE _TWILIGHT_!"

"Emmett, _Twilight _is meant mostly for girls," Carlisle remarked. He paused.

"Well at least we were never _wizards_..." Edward growled.

"Hey, um…has anyone seen Rosalie and Leah since their last irrelevant piece of dialogue?" Emily and Sam interrupted suddenly, looking around for their worst enemies.

"Hm. Now that you mention it, they seem to have disappeared completely from this story," Alice realized.

"Wouldn't be the first time. Characters are always randomly popping in and out of stories, some never coming back again," Jane explained, popping up from nowhere to recruit her into the search.

"Whatever happens to all those OCs when their stories end?" Jacob wondered out loud, from behind Sam. "Because I have a collection of steady, gorgeous girlfriends somewhere."

"I heard they get their own room with a WiFi internet and a hot tub," Emmett said.

"No way!" Bella gasped.

"Well I heard they disappear forever if they're not brought back for a sequel," Embry said.

"No way!" Bella gasped.

"Well I heard they're really just holograms used in the stories and then they blow up when the story ends," Demetri countered.

"No-"

"OKAY! We get it. There are lots of theories about what happens to OCs when the stories are over," Carlisle interrupted. "But that still doesn't solve the problem of our missing friends."

"Oh yeah...I forgot about them," Alice said.

"Maybe they're in the OC room with the snack bar and the hot tub!" Bella cried.

"That's not real," Jane snapped.

"It is too! I've seen it!" Bella lied.

"Let's try to stay focused here," Esme insisted.

Abruptly, Emmett gasped.

"OH MY HOT JACOB! I KNOW-"

"Hold up…" Jacob interrupted, "What the fuck is 'oh my hot Jacob'?"

"Come on!" Emmett said rolling his eyes, "Aren't you up to date on the fan girl lingo?"

"Yeah Jacob," Jane added, "Instead of saying OMG, everyone says OMHJ."

"Oh. I like that," Jacob mused, nodding thoughtfully.

"Hey! What about me? People love ME way more than wolf boy!!" Edward cried.

"Uh…" Bella pondered, in a fix.

"Ooh! I GOT IT!" Alice cried, excitedly, "OMDE!"

"OMDE?"

"Yeah! Oh My Dazzling Edward!" There was an enthusiastic buzz as everyone (minus Jacob) scrambled to write the phrase down.

"Well, it was nice while it lasted…" Jacob grumbled.

"Okay, okay! Can we FOCUS here?" Carlisle said, waving, "Where are Leah and Rosalie?"

"I think the Harry Potter people took them!" Emmett declared; his eyes wide.

"Oh please," Embry snorted, "Why would the Harry Potter people want Leah?"

"Or Rosalie?" Bella asked.

"Uh…so that WE can challenge THEM to a paintball war! Duh!" Demetri suggested, as he and Emmett high fived one another. Edward shuddered.

"Oookay…"

"A paintball war…to get Leah and Rosalie back?" asked Sam "Is it worth it?"

Many skeptical murmurs gave way to an awkward silence.

The Twilight crowd grew silent as they waited for a conclusion. They waited. And waited. And waited.

"Well this blows," Emmett sighed, walking away. "Screw this, I'm going to join Eragon again."

"Yeah," Edward agreed, "I totally had my heart set on killing that dead Cedric boy."

"Not to mention the way that they keep whizzing around their brooms as if they own the place!" Alice whined.

"OMDE!" Bella exclaimed, "I got it! We challenge them to a paintball war, and whoever wins gains control of the break room!"

"I like it…" Jane said cryptically.

Suddenly Eragon and Arya came storming over, tossing Emmett down before them.

"Keep your annoying vampires in your OWN stories!" Eragon snapped.

"Aw, you don't want him either?" Alice asked.

"_No_!" Eragon and Arya yelled. And they stormed off.

"Well, we can rule _them _out for possible crossovers," Esme stated.

"They're snobby anyways. They think just because they've been made into a movie already, that they're better than the rest of us!" Jacob huffed.

"I hear they're all insane anyways," Bella said.

"Well the story's not over yet. Do we still declare war on Harry Potter?" Sam asked.

"Well, it's going to end in about thirty seconds anyway." Alice reminded

"How do you know?" Jane demanded.

"Psychic…" she replied, pointing to her head, "REMEMBER?"

"The next chapter then?" they asked.

"I see..." Alice started, "Well…you'll see."

While the other Twilight characters were being diabolical in the ten minute break room, Leah and Rosalie were hiding in the supply closet in the hallway, with their ears pressed up against the walls.

"I can't believe it! They're having a paintball game without me!" Leah cried, "It took them two bloody chapters to notice that I was gone!"

"No surprise," Rosalie mumbled, "I heard that writers cut Lindsay Munroe out of CSI: NY for a year, and nobody noticed that until she came back in the last episode."

"Wasn't she pregnant?" Leah asked.

"We don't mention that."

"OMDE!" Leah cried, "Hey wait a second…what are you writing?" she peered into a notebook that Rosalie had open on her lap.

"It's called Edward and the Flying Frog," Rosalie explained, "Our own fanfic. If other people don't want us in their stories, I thought we could just do our own. Leah nodded

"Does that say... '...and then Bella turned into a watermelon'?" she smiled evilly, "I like it."

**A/N: I know it might not be as funny as the last few chapters, but review anyway. Please? And thanks to SparklingGrey for the inspiration for the beginning of this chapter, and to 21Skadoosh for the idea that Rosalie and Leah write their own crazy fanfic. If anyone has any other idea, then PMs ARE LOVE.**

**Review!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for all the amazing reviews! I wish I could have updated sooner. I feel terrible. Sob.**

**But here's to hoping you like this instalment just as much.**

Jacob sat alone in the Ten-Minute Break room, flipping through Playboy magazine, and sighing as he stared at all the gorgeous women. All the other characters were in fanfics at the moment (yes, Esme and Carlisle FINALLY got a fanfic!) and he was extremely bored, and in need of female companionship.

As if on cue, the door flew open, and Bella came running in, looking as if she had just received a slap across the face. Her eyes were wide, her jaw dropped, and she looked utterly horrified.

"Hey Bells...what's up?" Jacob asked casually. "Shouldn't you be in that Bella/Edward/ OC fic?" Bella opened and closed her mouth several times before answering.

"...I got killed off!" she finally cried out. "_I_ got killed off!"

"Aw, that sucks," Jacob shrugged. Bella was shocked.

"No, you don't understand, Jacob..._I_ got killed off! ME! I'm _Bella freaking Swan_! I _never_ get killed off! OUR ONLY FEAR IS LOSING YOU my ass!" Jacob ran to Bella's side, patting her shoulder and hushing her.

"Shh...Bella, relax. It's okay. We all get killed off sooner or later!" he assured her calmly.

"Not _me_! Everyone loves me! HOW COULD I GET KILLED OFF?" Bella shrieked frantically.

"How did you die?" Jacob wondered.

"Edward! He lost control and ATE me just so he could stay with the slutty OC!! _He's_ supposed to die! Not me! I'm the one who's supposed to lose control as a newborn and kill him so that I can hook up with a slutty OC! Not DIE!" Bella slumped into a chair, holding her head in her hands and breathing deeply. "Oh God...I think I'm having a stroke!" Jacob sat down beside her, rubbing her back and helping her breathe.

"It's okay Bella..._baby_..." Jacob said, letting his hands run lower, as an idea struck him. "Edward is just a big huge jerk anyways! You need someone nicer...someone human-er...someone, like, say...me! Jacob/Bellas are pretty hot, you know..."

Then Alice walked in, followed by Esme and Carlisle, who were back from their one-shot. Jacob immediately jumped away from Bella, who wasn't paying attention to him anyways.

"Well that was short-lived," Esme sighed.

"Just be glad we got something," Carlisle replied. Then they spotted Bella, who was still breathing heavily.

"What's going on?" Esme asked.

"She got killed off," Jacob replied.

"_Me_! _I_ got killed off, Alice!" Bella began again, leaping up. "How could they DO that to me?"

"Relax Bella, we've all been killed off at some point," Carlisle assured her.

"_Some _more than _others_..."Jacob added bitterly.

"But I'm BELLA!" Bella cried. She sighed, sitting down again, "Someone get me a paper bag."

"Sorry honey. After that last fic, I think I might need some rest!" Esme said.

"Why? What was so bad about it?" Alice asked.

"We got a _puppy_. A FUCKING _PUPPY_, ALICE!" Carlisle hollered. Esme patted his shoulder.

"Deep breaths, Carlisle. It was only a one-shot," she reminded him.

"Yeah, but now it's gonna inspire little girls to write MORE _puppy_ stories!" Carlisle groaned, also sitting down, "Don't people know that I'm a CAT person?!"

Then the door opened and Sam and Emily came walking out, looking annoyed.

"Well that story sucked!" he announced. "I didn't even get any tongue!"

"Sam, honey, it was rated K," Emily reminded him.

"_Still_! You'd think middle schoolers could go a little further than _hugging_!" Sam complained. Then they spotted the hyperventilating Bella. Emily frowned.

"What happened to-"

"Don't get her started..."Jacob warned.

Then the annoying, droning voice came over the speakers:

"TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING FANFICS: **_GOSSIP GIRL, ERAGON, HARRY POTTETR _**AND **_TWILIGHT_**."

Edward suddenly came dashing through the door frantically. He looked around, then spotted Bella, and went bolting across the room.

"Bella!" he cried. Bella looked up...and scowled.

"You bastard! You killed me!" she shouted.

"Ooh! Drama in the _Twilight _corner everybody!" Dumbledore called. Before they knew it, every other book in the room was gathered around Bella and Edward.

"Five dollars to come see Bella and Edward have a real fight for a change!" Aro called, jumping up onto a chair.

"Aro! We are NOT selling tickets to this!" Jane scolded.

"Not for _five dollars_! Are you kidding? This is worth at least ten," Demetri snorted. Jane glowered at him. "Er, I mean...no fight! Nothing going on! Move along everybody!" The crowd dispersed, grumbling as they returned to their corners.

"Bella, I'm _really _sorry," Edward insisted. "Everything was horrible after you were killed off anyways! The author got tons of flames, and the story's been dropped!" Bella looked at Edward...and smiled.

"Well, in that case...I forgive you!" And she and Edward shared a hug, causing all the other books to let out sighs of 'Aw!' while Jane, Jacob, and most of the wolves gagged.

"No one ever flames when _I_ get killed off..." Jane grumbled.

"Amen to that," Jacob sighed.

"Aw Jane, I'm sorry no one likes you," Bella said sympathetically. Jane sighed.

"Maybe I should move into _Eragon_," she grumbled.

"Sounds good to me," Felix shrugged. Aro slapped him, from his post on the chair.

"No Jane! If you go, who will I frustrate because their powers don't work on me?" Bella reasoned.

"Edward," Jane offered.

"Edward? Why?" Aro asked, looking down at everybody.

"Because _everything_ annoys Edward," Jane pointed out. The others all nodded.

"She's got a point there," Jacob stated.

"Okay Jane, go join _Eragon_. We don't need you," Aro decided.

"Cool. It was nice working with you guys!" And Jane walked off.

"So...now we're down a character," Alice stated.

"I guess this means Tanya will become more popular," Jacob said.

"_Tanya_..." Bella growled angrily. Carlisle hushed her. The others frowned.

"What's her problem?" Esme asked.

"She has this thing against Tanya, because she and Edward have had more time together in stories even though she never even configures in the book. She's only mentioned." Alice explained.

"Actually, most authors interpret the prejudice as jealousy," Carlisle added, "Because she and Edward had that whole thing going."

"I just don't trust Tanya, because we all know she's a skank!" Bella cried.

"Can deny that one," Carlisle agreed.

"I'M THE MAIN FRICKIN CHARACTER! SHE'S NOT EVEN _IN_ THE BOOK! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Bella screamed furiously.

"Jeez, is today National Bella Flips-Out Day or something?" Jacob grumbled, as Alice slammed her hand over Bella's mouth.

"That's every day," Aro corrected.

"Hey, has anyone seen Emmett?" Alice asked, frowning, "We've already lost Jasper, Leah, and Rosalie…"

Aro, who was still standing on the chair, took a quick head count.

"OMDE, we're missing Felix too!" he exclaimed.

"Maybe they're in the secret room of OCs!" Bella suggested her eyes wide.

"Please, Bella. That joke is SO old…" Edward groaned.

"Don't tell me the Harry Potter people took THEM too!?" Embry cried.

"That joke as well…" Esme sighed.

"Four chapters of sitting around doing nothing really is pushing it for an author," Alice said, "Why isn't anything happening? Wait…wait…I'm getting something…"

"WHAT?" all the characters crowded around Alice.

"No, I'm not. That was the moment when the author decides to have me say that werewolves are involved, so I can't see a thing."

While all the characters were grumbling, Emmett and Demetri burst inside, as did Harry Potter along with Dobby.

"I got it!" Emmett shouted, waving a piece of parchment paper over his head.

"Ew. Emmett, how can you touch that thing?" Edward asked, pointing to the parchment.

"It's not gross!" Emmett retorted, "It's just a piece of computer paper that someone spilled tea on!"

Edward rolled his eyes.

While Edward and Emmett had were arguing about paper, all the other characters went back to their separate tables, in an anti-climatic, boring parody fanfic type way.

Bella slumped down in the chair next to Jacob, who was staring at the Gossip Girl characters.

"Damn, Jenny is looking fine..." Jacob commented, completely ignoring everyone else, forgotten over Bella's melt down.

"_Jacob_!" Bella cried.

"Hey, it's like, okay to say that now!" Jacob defended. "You know, 'cause of all the fanfics that involve me with a thousand other OCs from crossovers and all that shit."

"Just because people have done it doesn't make it okay," Bella pointed out.

"Good enough for me," Jacob shrugged. "It's your fault anyway. But it's not like any of those _Harry Potter_ chicks are anything great."

"True," Bella agreed.

"Now that elf from Eragon on the other hand..." Jacob said, gazing over at Arya.

"Forget it, Jake. It's not like we'll ever have a crossover," Bella remarked.

"Ok…wanna make out?" he asked, grinning.

"Ew. Stop it…"

"Bella, we need to talk," Edward declared, ending his argument with Emmett immediately after seeing Bella with Jacob.

"What about?" Bella asked innocently.

"_Innocently_? Why's she so _innocent_?" Edward demanded.

"Edward!" Bella whined.

"Right. Sorry." Edward turned back to Bella. "I don't want you hanging around Jacob. He's a werewolf and he's dangerous."

"Edward, how many times do we have to have this discussion? It's included in every other fanfic!" Bella insisted.

"That's what all characters say when they're really cheating/about to cheat!" Edward cried.

"You don't trust me?" Bella asked, pouting, as her eyes began to well with tears.

"Okay, how over-dramatic is that?" Edward snapped.

"Edward, stop interrupting the author and end this God damn scene so we can move on with the story," Emmett grumbled.

"Okay, okay," Edward sighed. "Bella, I do trust you. I just don't trust Jacob, because we all know he's a slut." Bella shrugged, nodding.

"Hm…Yeah." she agreed, remembering their latest conversation.

"Hey!" Jacob cried. "You stupid author, defend me! I thought you loved me!"

"What? Oh yeah…um." I stopped, catching the death glare from Jacob. "Bella, Edward...shut up."

"Well that was simple," Edward commented, "Where was this story going again?"

At that exact moment, the annoying voice came over the intercom.

"ATTENTION ALL CHARACTERS OF TWILIGHT AND HARRY POTTER. PAINTBALL WAR TEAMS HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY EMMETT AND DOBBY. PLEASE CHECK FOR YOUR NAME IMMEDEATELY."

There was a mad scramble as all the characters of the aforementioned stories tried to get a look at the list.

TEAM TWILIGHT:

CAPTAIN: Dr. Carlisle Cullen

Bella Swan

Edward Cullen

Esme Cullen

Emmett Cullen

Aro

Jane

Felix

Demetri

Sam

Embry

Mike

Victoria

& Jacob

TEAM HARRY POTTER

CAPTAIN: Ron Weasley

Hermione

Dumbledore

Voldemort

Snape

Malfoy

Dobby

Fleur

Ginny

Luna

Lupin

Sirius

Cedric

Crabbe

Goyle

& Hagrid.

REFEREES: Alice Cullen and Harry Potter

"Why do they get more people?" Edward inquired, sounding annoyed.

"Because," Emmett replied, logically, "They're stupid."

"Crazier things have happened…"Bella started to say, "Or maybe not."

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED..."

"**_TWILIGHT..._**"

"**_ERAGON CROSSOVER..._"**

"SCORE!" Jacob cried, leaping up, and running to the door excitedly.

"CHARACTERS NEEDED:** Edward, Alice, Emmett, Esme Carlisle, AND Jacob...**"

"HECK YES!"And Jacob went bolting out the door.

Edward grudgingly pulled himself off of Bella.

"We are SO not finished yet," he insisted, as he stormed off.

"Carlisle...we're in a story that's not a one-shot!" Esme cried.

"And there are no puppies!"Carlisle added excitedly. The two skipped out the door giggling hysterically, as the _Eragon _characters followed them, looking concerned.

"Get used to it," Bella warned them as they cautiously walked through the door behind the _Twilight _crew.

"**_ATTENTION_! THERE IS A CORRECTION! IT WAS Bella, NOT Jacob WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FIC! THANK YOU.**"

Bella leapt up.

"I'm coming Edward!" she called happily as she skipped off out the door.

"God dammit!" Jacob grumbled, crossing his arms.

**A/N: The next chapter WILL be the paintball war!**

**Review please.**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: FIRST, I want to say SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY for the uber-long delay. I have no excuse. I'm so mean! I know!**

**SECOND: This is the last chapter. WAIT! Don't get mad and close this window. Let me explain!The story is called BETWEEN the Scenes. If I included a Paintball war, a Leah-Rosalie fanfic, and all the other stuff, it would have seemed even more like another Twilight parody. Now, I WILL eventually write a paintball war as a SEPARATE fanfic. The one I had planned out for this story, was in sync with Eclipse and not Breaking Dawn. **

**It wouldn't have made any sense (Originally, I planned that Jacob would go looking for his soulmate amongst the Harry Potter crowd...and that Sam and Embry would argue with Lupin about werewolf origins...yeah). Same with the Leah-Rosalie fanfic. Rosalie doesn't need to be mean to Bella anymore! The 'Bella turns into a watermelon...' thing may also pop up as a separate story someday. And of course, Jasper's emo video diary. That is coming up more shortly than the others...I'll post it soon, hopefully. You'll understand why I say "hopefully" if you read onwards.**

**By the way, this fic might make it look otherwise, but I did LOVE Breaking Dawn. It just didn't gel with where this story was headed.**

**So, please enjoy the fifth and final chapter of Between the Scenes. It's all I ask of you.**

All the Twilight characters sat in their corner of the ten-minute break room, gawking at the Eragon characters in jealousy. It was quite a feat, considering how many new ones had joined up since Breaking Dawn. The Harry Potters were throwing them a party to celebrate the release of the third book in the Inheritance series. (Of course, the Twilight people didn't get a party.)

"So that's it. We've ended."

"Yeah…we've really ended."

"Wow…we've _ended."_

"Wait…so now what do we do?" Bella asked, her eyes glazed. Alice shook her head slowly.

"They'll keep writing fanfictions! They won't forget us... Oh my god, they're going to keep writing, oh my god, oh my god…" Emmett gasped, beginning to hyperventilate. Bella rose out of her reverie enough to smack him on the back of his head and shut him up.

"No, Emmett…they will not stop. In fact, I think that they will begin to write more. So…many…more," Alice breathed. For a moment, the Twilight group considered this.

"More slash…"

"More fluff…"

"More Mary Sues…"

"More crossovers…"

A sudden knock on the door made them all jump. Twitching a little, Esme went to open the door. They found Wanderer, Melanie, Eragon, Harry Potter, and Dobby all standing behind it, looking a little nervous. Wanda was holding a large greeting card, and Eragon was clutching a plastic baggie with cupcakes in it.

"Um…we wanted to…uh, say sorry to—you—guys," stuttered Dobby, his puppet hands wringing worriedly. Mel brushed back her hair and cocked her head sympathetically.

"Like, yeah. We all heard about the, you know…the Breaking Dawn thing," she said squeakily. Harry elbowed her and then poked Wanda in the arm. Wanda jumped and, remembering what she was supposed to do, held out the card.

This is from all of us…to give you some support," she mumbled. Jacob silently took the card. Eragon hurriedly offered the cupcakes, as though eager to be rid of them.

"We made these for you. Actually, it was mostly from the _Gossip Girl_ people, but they had to be in fics, so this is from them too. And…well, we're really sorry, guys. This 'sucks'," he said assertively, glancing in at Carlilse, who gave him a small nod of acceptance.

"And we wanted to make sure you know that even though _we've just released our THIRD SEQUEL BRISINGR_, WHICH KNOCKED BREAKING DAWN DOWN TO NUMBER 2, 1.3 million copies is really cool for the old ones like you, and—OW!" Eragon screeched, Dobby having just stomped on his foot.

"What he means is, um…you guys are like our inspiration and…stuff. So, sorry," Wanda said hurriedly, backing out of the doorway. The others followed her, but Melanie lingered for a second. She gazed sympathetically at the Twilight folks, and shrugged slightly.

"I really am sorry, guys. I get that it—well, it's just a tough thing to deal with. So if you guys need any help or anything…I'm here for you. So're the rest of us…'cept Kyle O'Shea, because he's a douchebag and passed out after doing wine shots with Neville Longbottom, but you get my point," she said, rolling her eyes. Bella nodded again, and the others mumbled their thanks. Melanie nodded and withdrew.

"And, as you probably need time to get over everything..." Harry began, "We've cancelled the paintball war. Maybe some other fanfic will pick it up. Sorry." He left the room, closing the door behind him.

Edward turned around slowly, looking a little nauseous. No one could bring themselves to speak for a moment or two. Then Rosalie spoke in a wavering voice.

"They…they made us…_cupcakes?_"

"Dude, we're getting cupcakes from aliens and witches. We have officially become the most pathetic group of losers on the planet," said Emmett in disgust. Esme laid a hand on his arm.

"In other words, rock-bottom?"

"I think we hit that at the first MikeBella slash fic," Jacob said dryly, taking the greeting card from Edward. He sighed and threw the cupcakes at the rest of the wolves, who shrugged and started to devour them. Rosalie rolled her eyes and opened the card.

"'You didn't have it coming, signed the cast of _Blood Ties_…it's the circle of life, signed Rafiki…you roll the dice and you lose sometimes, sorry, signed Nathan Detroit…life's not all milk and cream, the Tom and Jerry team…at least you're not pastry, signed Septimus Heap…let the music in your soul show you the way, the Dreamgirls ensemble'…oh god, that's pathetic."

"Who wrote that last one?" Alice asked, frowning. Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Can't we look at the bright side to this?" Seth Clearwater asked, "There's gotta be something good!"

The Twilight characters considered this.

"... so who else is REALLY glad that they decided to chuck the paintball war idea?" Edward asked, grinning.

Carlisle, Alice, Bella and Esme all raised their hands eagerly. Emmett grimaced.

"You know, just because they sympathize with us now doesn't mean that they had to cancel the game."

"They gave us cupcakes!" Carlisle reminded, "That counts as something."

"And who else is really glad that you have us back?" Leah interrupted, as she and Rosalie threw up their hands.

"I always knew you two couldn't write..." Jacob said, wrinkling his nose.

"We're _happy_!" Leah cried. "There are NINE whole pages of Leah centric fanfictions now! That's more than Renesmee ones! I LOVED Breaking Dawn!"

"That makes one of us..." the fangirls muttered...

"Even I have to agree with them. The ending was just so unfair," Jane jumped in. "As a matter of fact, I think I might head back to _Eragon _again..."

"Please, Jane. That joke is so old," Rosalie snorted.

"Most of these jokes have been used at least seven times already, Rosalie," Bella pointed out.

"I'm actually surprised we even managed to squeeze this fifth chapter out. I thought the author was done with us, since Twilight was pretty much just her sophomore-year-obsession," Edward remarked.

"Well who could resist writing about _us_?" Jacob asked.

"Lots of people. Remember chapter two?" Alice recalled.

"Whatever. The point is, we got our last chapter—now what the fuck do we _do _with it?" Emmett asked.

"We could always go hunting for the hidden room of OC's!" Bella cried excitedly.

"Which doesn't exist!" Jane retorted.

"I'll prove it!" Bella challenged.

"Fine! Do it!" Jane replied.

"... fine! I will!" Bella screamed back.

And she stormed out of the room.

"Is that _seriously_ our central conflict?" Edward groaned.

"Well, yeah! Ever since the author decided she was too lazy to write a paintball war scene!" Carlisle complained.

"...Or finish Leah and my Watermelons and Frogs fanfiction!" Rosalie chimed in.

"Hey! You guys got your time in Breaking Dawn!" Alice defended. "_I_ was the one who was barely in it..."

"Well you'd be more interesting if you were chemistry, French, or physics," Emmett snorted. Jacob stared at him for a moment.

"I've never heard that one before. Is it like 'salted'?" he asked.

"No. I mean the author is ditching us to go and study for her finals!" Emmett grumbled.

"Jeez, talk about a switch," Alice remarked.

"I know, right? Besides, we are WAY more entertaining than some stuffy old British textbooks about quantum physics!" Jacob said.

"...they're not about quantum physics," Alice replied.

"See? No one even knows what they're ABOUT!" Rosalie practically screamed.

"Hey Twilight-characters!" Ron Weasley called, running over from the _Harry Potter_ corner. "There's a crazy dance party going on in our corner! You guys should totally check it out."

"Why are you inviting us? You never invite us to your wicked-cool-ancient-wizard-dance-parties," Carlisle remarked.

"Oh, well, you guys looked kind of bored. Since your author decided to scrap your entire plot," Ron said.

"We don't need your pity invites! We are having the best time in the world over here!" Emmett cried angrily. "Right Carlisle? ...Carlisle?"

"SOULJA BOY! SOULJA BOY!" the Hogwarts students were chanting, as Carlisle supermaned-that-hoe in the middle of the crazy dance party.

"Carlisle!" Esme shouted.

Carlisle came running back over to the Twilight corner, out of breath, and laughing hysterically.

"Aw man! That party is _ill_!" he said, patting Ron's shoulder. "Dumbledore was really tearing it up. Not to mention Eragon and Arya –they've got madd skillz! And who knew Septimus Heap could pop lock and drop like that? Huh?"

"Carlilse, stop speaking ghetto and stay in our corner!" Alice whined.

"Hey Carlisle! Hermione's playing Low! Get ova here!" Eragon called.

"Aw yeah! Apple bottom jeans, here I come!" Carlisle cried, running away.

"Carlilse! CARLISLE!" Esme screamed. Ron just grinned.

"I'll be seeing you in a few," he said, strolling off.

"You SO will not!" Rosalie called after him. "Come on Emmett, we have to do something to make this story more interesting!"

"Shh," Emmett hushed. Rosalie frowned.

"What? Why are you shushing–"

Emmett raised up a small, rectangular device.

"Oh my God! Is that the new iPod video?" Rosalie asked, jaw dropping.

"Yes, and I am smack dab in the middle of a bootleg version of _The Dark Knight_. So hush!" Emmett snapped, returning his attention to his tiny screen.

"... do you have _Mamma Mia_ on there?" Alice asked suddenly, leaning over.

"Yup. And I just finished _Righteous Kill_ last night," Emmett replied.

"Oh my God! Was it better than _Tropic Thunder_?" Alice gushed.

"Better than _Bangkok Dangerous_, not as good as _WALL-E_," Emmett explained.

"Of course not, that robot is so talented!" Alice said.

"Oh my god, I know, right!" Emmett replied, as the two giggled.

"...oh my God, I think I'm gay," Aro said suddenly.

Emmett and Alice both whirled around, staring at Aro in horror.

"..._what_?" Edward asked.

"Dammit, I am SO gay! I can't believe I didn't realize that!" Aro cried. "DUMBLEDORE! COME BAAAACCCCCKKKK!"

"Don't get your hopes up! He and Voldemort are gettin' it on to Low over there!" Alice called after him.

"I can't believe that! What a bastard!" Edward cried.

"... why am I even still here?" Esme asked suddenly, having not spoken a word since having yelled out Carlisle's name.

"That's a good question. Why ARE you here? You never do anything useful," Edward pointed out. Esme shrugged.

"Someone's gotta say the filler lines," she said.

"Is that all you think you're good for?" Rosalie asked suddenly. Esme frowned.

"... I believe that's the point we're trying to make, yes," she said, confused.

"Are you gonna settle for that?" Rosalie asked.

"What am I supposed to do?" Esme asked.

"Change things yourself!" Jacob proclaimed. "I mean, just look at Jane! She wasn't getting any attention, so she switched stories!"

"I could never do that..." Esme insisted.

"Why not? They're always talking about you over there in the _Harry Potter_ corner!" Rosalie pointed out.

"That's 'Lily". It sounds nothing like Esme!" Esme corrected.

"You're both mothers!" Jaocb dismissed. "Look, you've gotta get out there and change things up a bit!"

Esme pondered this for a second... and grinned.

"You're right," she declared. And with that, she ran into the middle of the room, leaping up onto a chair. "HEY Hermione!"

"Yeah?" Hermione, who was acting as DJ over at the crazy-Wizard-dance-party, called back.

"Hit me up with some Kanye, cuz I am ready to bust a move!" Esme cried.

"Chyea girrrrl! Holla!" Hermione shouted.

And Esme whipped off her suit jacket, running over to the Potter party.

"Well way to go, you guys. Now we've lost Carlisle and Esme to a bunch of gangsta' witches, Bella and Jane to a room that doesn't exist, and Aro to a man," Edward pointed out. Jacob shrugged.

"Who cares about them anyway?" he asked. "Everyone knows we're the favorites."

"Can't deny that," Edward agreed.

"AHA!"

Bella came bursting through the door triumphantly.

"Did you actually find the mysterious, secret OC room?" Alice asked.

"Huh? Oh, no. Turns out they just kind of disintegrate right after they're done being used in stories," Bella replied.

"... then why did you scream 'aha'?" Rosalie asked.

"I didn't," Bella replied.

"Yes you did. Just as you came through the door, you yelled 'aha'," Rosalie said.

"Um, no. Wasn't me," Bella insisted.

"Yes it was! We just saw you!" Jaocb cried.

"Whoa buddy! Pretty sure you can't _see_ someone _say_ something!" Bella said.

"Oh dear Lord, sometimes I feel like I'm in the nuthouse..." Edward muttered.

"Whoo hoo! That was awesome!" Dumbledore (who we never established as having actually been present) suddenly came stumbling drunkenly into the Twilight corner, laughing hysterically.

"Jeez, what have you been doing?" Jacob asked curiously.

"... sitting alone in the abandoned _Shopaholic_ corner crying over the lack of attractive, straight males in this place," he confessed.

"Dumbledore!" Suddenly Aro came flying into the Twilight corner, landing face first before Dumbledore. He frowned down at him.

"What do _you _want?" he demanded. "To laugh at me? Mock my horribly loneliness? You have done nothing but make my life a living hell for the past four chapters, Aro Volturi person vampire! You made me believe you loved me, and then you went and tore my heart to shreds! You have left a permanent scar on my heart, and thanks to you and your cold-hearted, bitter soul, I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS, love anyone EVER again!"

"... Albus, I'm gay!" Aro announced.

"Well why didn't you just say so?!" he cried, leaping into Aro's arms.

"Aw, how sweet!" Leah said, grinning. Then she caught sight of the Cullens' angry glares. "Er, I mean, _gross_! What jerks!"

"Damn! For humans, those guys can throw one hell of a party!" Carlisle cried, as he and Esme too joined the Twilight crowd.

"... they're wizards, Carlisle," Emmett pointed out.

"Well damn, THAT'S why they kicked us out... " Carlisle said.

"So... here we are," Bella said. "All back in the Twilight corner."

"Aro and Dumbledore are together... Carlisle and Esme are happily and G-Ratedly together... Edward and Bella are both undead now..."

"Hey, where's Jane?" Bella asked suddenly.

"She didn't come back with you?" Jacob asked.

"No. She left after like two minutes. Said she was coming back here," Bella replied.

"Quick, check the _Eragon _corner!" Emmett said.

"SHE'S NOT HERE!" the entire cast of _Eragon _called back.

"Huh... where could she have gone?" Alice asked, looking around.

"... who really cares?" Rosalie pointed out.

The others all shrugged.

"You're right, she's not that important," Emmett confirmed. "Now that the Volturi's leader came out of the closet...and oh yeah, the whole Breaking Dawn thing."

"And all I care about is you guys. And Renesmee, in a totally overprotective, motherly way," Bella replied. Jaocb grinned.

"Thanks Bella. I'm sure I can come to appreciate our friendship even though we're no longer fucking in stories," he said.

"Well _there's _something to slap on a Hallmark card," Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"You know, I feel like we've bonded more in the past five Ten-Minute Breaks than we have in any of the four books," Rosalie declared.

"Amen to that," Carlilse agreed.

"I love you guys!" Emmett cried. "... in a totally non-homosexual manner!"

"We're a pretty awesome group," Alice said.

Suddenly, the annoying, bored sounding voice rang over the intercom, signaling the impending end of the series:

"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED. _**Twilight**__. THE ENTIRE CAST OF Twilight HAS A HUGE FIGHT OVER RENESMEE AND EVERYBODY DIES__**. CHARACTERS NEEDED: **__ALL YOU LOUSY BUMS._ _**SUMMARY:**__IT'S PRETTY FUCKING SELF-EXPLANATORY_."

"I always knew she'd be the death of us."

"... well, see you ass holes later!" Rosalie said, marching through the door.

"Thank God, I was getting so sick of you douche-bags," Emmett sighed, following her.

And the others had to agree.

_The end. Review if you want.  
_

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